Got my Census today….this is going to be great. Wherever I go my Census will go with me. Reminds me of the days of My Buddy.
Wherever I go, my Census and Me!!!…..My Census won’t be used for “counting every man, woman, and child.” Instead I’ll utilize it as toilet paper, a napkin, a coffee filter, roll it up as a telescope, a frisbee, fold it up as a sailor hat, a rag to wash the floor, put it in the spokes of my bike so it sounds like a motorcycle,a nonstick liner for my casserole dish, a floor mat for my truck, a blanket, chopped up for confetti in a pinch, taped back together as head cover for my golf clubs, and umbrella, a sail for my boats in the bathtub, taped on my pants to hide the coffee stain, scraping ice off my windshield, a shim for the wobbly table at the diner, rolled up as a straw, a sled, taped on my window to “go green” and insulate my house, replace a roof shingle, a scoop to clean out the litter box, a coaster for the coffee table, a kite, a handkerchief, paper airplane, crumpled in my speedo for bulge enhancement, insoles for my sneakers, a mousepad, cutout as a paper snowflake in winter, taped back together in Spring as a tent for camping, a shield for sword fights, something to 3 hole punch when I’m bored at the office, something to fill in between stacks of $20’s when trying to pull a fast one on the mob, a folder, a paper target for my BB gun, on second though maybe I’ll crumple it up as a basketball and put it in the trash can.
Erosion from guilt and pressure
The only thing that keeps me from crumblin’
Are these Pillars of Pain
Formed through the years and sculpted with tears
Why’s my foundation these pillars of pain
My compass is spinning as I wonder why
Cannot they see the flood in my eyes
Why must I cry
Why must I live this Lie
Are we only placed here to die
Why must I make these decisions
Why must I be counted upon
The Pillars of my foundation are gone
Oh when I step out of this world
into another paradise
It’ll be like crossing into heaven
from my own demise
Ridin the elevator straight to the sky
A place far and clear
No one knows why
Just understand sometimes
it’s easier to disappear
disappear into the wind
climbing higher and higher
as my situation grows dire
I begin to feel the life in my legs
The summit of inner peace is what I seek
the farther I fall, the higher the peak
This ad came up when I was on Weather.com. How can this guy refinance when he doesn’t even have the luxury of a shirt or personal grooming skills? Besides, how can you refinance a cave?
I got owned last night. My closet dropped me like a call on an AT&T cellie. Apparently I still put on my sweats like a 5 year old. I set them on the ground, put each foot in, grab the waist band. Then I squat down building tension. In a sudden move I burst sky ward extending my legs down and out the ankles of the sweat while I pull up on the waistband. It’s a flawless technique and has worked for years. Trouble is last night Ii did it in the middle of my closet door jamb and impaled my dome on a metal latch mid jump. Next thing I know I was laying on the ground with blood pouring out off my head. Is this it? Is this how it ends? This could be on CSI, I thought. No signs of forced entry, COD blunt force trauma. A mystery for the ages. I pulled my self together and turned away from the light. I type this with a knot on my head and a headache.
Not sure what you’ll find useful about this post. You probably just wasted 30 seconds of your life, and continue to waste time as you read me typing about you wasting time. I suppose you can try my technique for putting on pants and see if it works. And opposed to the saying, I don’t put my pants on one leg at a time like everyone else. I put them on two legs at a time. And now I put them on two legs at a time while wearing a helmet.
….then take out a PayDay loan and bribe the longshoremen to give you another ship. I think that’s how the old time saying goes. Times are tough. So tough in fact that I ‘ve decided to turn my empty dinner place setting into useful tools to actually put food on the table. My first attempt is making a fishing lure out of my soup spoon. Hopefully, the steelhead are craving the soup du jour formerly know as my silverware. Off to the rivers. If the spoon fails to put dinner on my table I have plans for a bear trap made out of sauce pan and an potato peeler.
**********UPDATE**********
After a weekend of drowning the spoon in icy waters I’m happy to report it was a success. The recession is over and my dinner plate is no longer empty. Here are some pics of the fish fooled with the Slabbin’ Spoon.
With the world economy and politics in a state of flux I always get a kick out of the morning headlines when I turn on my computer. Of course you can’t believe everything you read on the internet but the beauty of it is headlines either compliment or contradict one another. In the same day you’ll see “The Recession is over” and “Unemployment continues to climb.” Other times headlines will tell the obvious picture, as in todays headlines. US continues to sell long term debt to fill the budget deficit…..and China continues to buy. Basically it’s like the US taking out a high interest loan to run down to the hardware store to buy heavy rope for a noose, and 2×4’s for a chair to stand on. Then stopping by Kinko’s to print off an invitation for China to come by and kick the chair out from under it. – Sketch Armstrong
I’d like to blame my lack of posts on the cable company turning off my service but I can’t. While that did happen I could have managed ways to type words on this waste of internet space but I didn’t. In fact I haven’t done much since my last post. I completely ran out of gas. I felt like a puppet and everyone was yanking at my strings with their own wants and needs. Obligations are a part of life for sure but I don’t want to go through life as some cheap puppet dancing without control like Elaine Benes. So now, like Pinocchio, I’m releasing my strings to their rightful owners and trying to focus on my own future. And my nose won’t grow an inch when I tell you I’m excited to kick the door down and walk out of Geppetto’s shop into this new day.
Coming soon in the life and times of Aquapasture. A return to higher education, finishing long delayed projects, consolidating anything and everything, an important promise, and most importantly…a direction.
The Presidential election of 2012 can’t come soon enough. Not sure who his running mate would be because I don’t think anyone could keep up. Evidently, Fabio throws his name in the hat.
As the saying goes, “Whatever floats your boat.” If your boat isn’t floating you’ll end up sinking into a miserable human being. So find what will keep you afloat. For some adrenaline junkies it’s jumping off a cliff in a wing suit. At the other end of the scale is the guy who’s idea of living on the edge is shredding stapled paper while wearing a tie. But, you’ll need more than an adrenaline rush to keep you above the surface. Truth be told I’m not sure what the hell floats my boat. Sometimes I’m in a float tube in the Atlantic during the Perfect Storm holding a lightning rod in my left hand and a bag of chum in my right. Other times, I’m going 80 mph in a cigarette boat skipping off the tops of the waves wearing Ray Bans and sporting Zinc Oxide on my schnoz while blastin’ .38 Special….straight floatin’ my boat.
This might sound cornier than a tank full of Ethanol but, to me life is about finding out what floats your boat. There’s great weather, hurricanes, calm water, and rough seas on the horizon. Learn and appreciate along the way and before you know it nothing will be able to sink you. It’s not a single thing that’ll keep you seaworthy, but a combination of experiences, lessons, relationships, and perspective that’ll keep you off the ocean floor and basking in the sun.
Like a menthol heater in the hands of Joan Rivers....I'm burned out. 7 months ago
@BikeCrave My current home base suits me just fine, Boise. But I wouldn't mind exploring other places in the West.http://ridgetorivers.org/ 7 months ago
If you're born into the Dyson family you're destined to suck. #fb7 months ago
