* The preceding was a coffee induced ramble.  Bottom line, I don’t want to waste my life.  Time is short, as are midgets.

Wherever I go, my Census and Me!!!…..My Census won’t be used for “counting every man, woman, and child.”  Instead I’ll utilize it as toilet paper, a napkin, a coffee filter, roll it up as a telescope, a frisbee, fold it up as a sailor hat, a rag to wash the floor, put it in the spokes of my bike so it sounds like a motorcycle,a nonstick liner for my casserole dish, a floor mat for my truck, a blanket, chopped up for confetti in a pinch, taped back together as head cover for my golf clubs, and umbrella, a sail for my boats in the bathtub, taped on my pants to hide the coffee stain, scraping ice off my windshield, a shim for the wobbly table at the diner, rolled up as a straw, a sled, taped on my window to “go green” and insulate my house, replace a roof shingle, a scoop to clean out the litter box, a coaster for the coffee table, a kite, a handkerchief, paper airplane, crumpled in my speedo for bulge enhancement, insoles for my sneakers, a mousepad, cutout as a paper snowflake in winter, taped back together in Spring as a tent for camping, a shield for sword fights, something to 3 hole punch when I’m bored at the office, something to fill in between stacks of $20′s when trying to pull a fast one on the mob, a folder, a paper target for my BB gun, on second though maybe I’ll crumple it up as a basketball and put it in the trash can.

**********UPDATE**********

After a weekend of drowning the spoon in icy waters I’m happy to report it was a success.  The recession is over and my dinner plate is no longer empty.  Here are some pics of the fish fooled with the Slabbin’ Spoon.

This might sound cornier than a tank full of Ethanol but, to me life is about finding out what floats your boat.  There’s  great weather, hurricanes, calm water, and rough seas on the horizon.  Learn and appreciate along the way and before you know it nothing will be able to sink you.  It’s not a single thing that’ll keep you seaworthy, but a combination of experiences, lessons, relationships, and perspective that’ll keep you off the ocean floor and basking in the sun.

The image of the Far Side cartoon of the guy pushing on the door labeled “Pull” pops into my head.

So stupid people, we here at Aquapasture Industries have teamed up with an Indonesian sweat shop to offer you some new apparel so those of us in public can spot you and avoid you, therefore saving everyone precious time.  Fear not common sensers, we haven’t forgotten about you.  You’ll have the opportunity to purchase our “Constipated Holmes” shirt.  When you encounter stupids, just tell them to read the shirt when they finally come around to making a conclusion, forming an opinion, or figure out how to make toast.  Of course the shirt may throw them for a loop and they’ll spend hours trying to figure it out.  Between you and me it means, No Shit Sherlock.  Oh one last thing stupids, we’ll need your social security number when you place your order.  We apologize for this inconvenience, it’s a Nigerian commerce regulation.

Alternately…during my comatose state in the desert I had an epiphany…based on ridiculous hair alone..I believe the Jonas Brothers are the illegitimate sons on none other than Governor Rod Blagojevich.  You be the judge?