Aquapasture » National Security

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle……

aquapasture — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 00:30:38 +0000

I’d take Michael Keaton making inappropriate advances to ladies any day over this guy on my doorstep.

Posted in Random Tagged: after hours, Beer, camping, change, Coors, couch, Meunster, National Security, news, yahtzee

Jonas Brothers should come with a disclaimer

aquapasture — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 16:18:23 +0000

Aquapasture.com and myself have been off the radar for a while. I’m back but am operating at about 80% with power spurts that max out at about 85%. The reason for my temporary departure from this world is something of a mystery. It all started about three weeks ago. I was rollin East on the highway at about 4500 rpm’s when the DJ on the radio said that the Jonas Brothers latest single was up next. Now, I’m about as hip as a Calista Flockhart pantsuit so even with all the hype of the Jonas Brothers I’d never heard one of their songs. With great anticipation I waited out the commercials to listen to the much ballyhooed Jonas Brothers. At then it hit, through my speakers the sound of a cat being violated by a stallion inside a washing machine. A cloud of disgust formed in the cab of my truck and my vision became fuzzy…then everything went black. Next thing I know I came to in an arroyo with urine soaked clothes and an empty wallet. I checked my orifices and headed back to town. I can’t even try to explain what happened to me but I can do my best to warn you of the dangers of listening to the Jonas Brothers. I tried to be adventurous and give them a chance, nearly at the cost of my life. You’ve been warned.

Alternately…during my comatose state in the desert I had an epiphany…based on ridiculous hair alone..I believe the Jonas Brothers are the illegitimate sons on none other than Governor Rod Blagojevich. You be the judge?

Posted in Politics, Random Tagged: bologna, change, Coors, Meunster, Mustang, National Security, Politics, Stoon, yahtzee

Retirement of Albuquerque

aquapasture — Thu, 28 May 2009 19:32:30 +0000

I am moving this post off of its own page and replacing it with a page called Power Rankings. Here I’ll rank my top activities, interests, peeps, etc in my life on a semi weekly basis. Seeing nobody reads this waste of internet space, the Power Rankings are meant purely for my own reference of direction after a night on the town. RIP Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Ok, so we’re all adults here right? If not read no more.

I want to simplify my life. With gas prices, global cooling, Brooke Knows Best, and yellowing teeth who wants to add any unecessary burden or stress to our everyday lives? Not me. Not sure where you work, but where I work I have to dress in slacks and a dress shirt (tucked in). It’s hard enough to tuck the darn shirt in there in the first place, but worse yet, it constantly shifts around as I shuffle around the office. The most irritating thing about it is using the restroom. If I undo my belt at the urinal, it seems that my tucked in shirt assembly falls apart faster than Pro-Obama argument. So then I try to go via the zipper and leave the belt locked down. Here, I’m met by a seemingly impassable maze of cotton. I half wait for a troll to pop out of my trousers and ask me three questions before I can pass. If my hand were Jerry the mouse and there was a block of meunster in my drawers I still don’t think I could maneuver through the labirynth of cotton switchbacks until it was too late.

Faced with all this I came up with a foolproof method to eliminate any mishaps which may occur, be it a messed up shirt for the rest of the day or worse yet, 100% chance of precipitation around the equator. I call it, The Albuquerque. It’s really nothing new, take the path of least resistance. Instead of messing with the belt, or weaving through cotton forever, simply go via the fly head down south and up through the leg of your underoo’s. Once you’ve secured the package, exit the way you came, out the leg of the underoo’s. Problem solved. This can be done in a second or two, and when it’s crunch time that’s all you may have.

So next time you’re restroom forecast calls for a chance of rain, head south of the border, and get yourself a dry one-way ticket to Albuquerque.

Posted in Random Tagged: after hours, Beer, bologna, facts, Meunster, musings, National Security, Stoon

TEA Party

aquapasture — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 19:11:27 +0000

On the heels of my “Everyone Poops” posts I doubt this will sound credible. But then again I am talking about shit again….as in the shitty job the government has handled our rights and spent our money. I attended the Boise TEA Party this afternoon. What I witnessed was a boisterous crowd who has had enough intrusion by the US Government in their lives and want to see some real “change.” It was a fantastic sight and one of thousands throughout America. I’ve heard a lot of people call this a GOP tactic or downplay these gatherings. They say that these protests took place on parks, roads, plazas all paid for and maintained by tax dollars. Well no shit Sherlock…but also the politicians are paid by tax money, work in buildings paid by taxes, and most importantly spend our tax money. Here’s my synopsis of the TEA Parties (TEA=Taxed Enough Already)

It’s not a Republican or Democratic issue but an absolute demand for a change in the fiscal direction of this country
We need Government and taxes, but the current taxation and spending is beyond out of control
“Where were you in the Bush years?” I’ve never like big government but the last 12 months have seen unprecedented growth and spending of Uncle Sam.
The “Tea Bag” jokes by some are about as original as a knock knock joke.
This is THE most important crisis we face. Pretty basic, the economy supports everything.

In a show of ultimate Liberal feel goodness, I found these protesters a block away from the TEA Party. Sure, stopping Global Warming and stopping executions might make you feel all warm and fuzzy but it seems to me that they are oblivious to the real crisis’ we’re facing . I only hope their sign was on 100% recycled paper and that we buy carbon credits for any executions via gas chamber that we perform.

Links
TEA Party Website
101 TEA Party Slogans

Posted in Random Tagged: downhill, facts, National Security, Obama, party, Stoon, tea

Show me the money

aquapasture — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 03:16:07 +0000

My thoughts on the stimulus bill and where it takes us……here

Posted in Politics Tagged: bologna, change, fauxbama, National Security, news, Obama, Politics

Press 2?

aquapasture — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:28:01 +0000

Remarkably there are still places where a pay phone is the only way to get a hold of you sugar mama while you’re on “the road.” A few days ago I was in such place. To prevent feeding the phone quarters I threw down a finsky for a phone card. Generally my ass gets chapped when I have to press “1″ for English but here I had to push “dos” for english and “uno” for espanol. A chapped ass is one thing but, I’d rather have a fire ant colony in my hoohaw than press two. I did however, like the American flag on front of the card. Then I noticed it was at half staff. Whats the occassion? Probably dropping from 1 to 2.

: : : : : : : : : : :

Posted in Random Tagged: chili bomb, National Security, news

Coordinates Unknown

aquapasture — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 18:04:54 +0000

Attention faithful AP visitors…ok there aren’t any followers let alone faithful ones, but it sounds credible. The AP world is taking a short hiatus. I’m going off the grid on a covert mission with IBM Beigedown. We’ll be air dropped into the heart of Yellowstone. Fear not for we’ve been trained in whatever we may encounter, be it snorkling in Morning Glory pool, soaking our clothes in honey, plucking bison’s eyebrows, or floating down the Yellowstone in duck kayaks. I can’t release any further details but will have recon photos and a debriefing when/if we return.

Posted in Outdoors Tagged: Beigedown, National Security, Yellowstone

Stoon’s away!

aquapasture — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 16:31:07 +0000

The story you are about to read is true, or at least partly made up. The names have been changed to protect those who protect us. It starts in a small unsuspecting town, a town isolated from the hustle and bustle of crowded streets, towering buildings, and the chaos of everyday life. IBM Beigedown, is just like you and me. He likes to have a beer or two, enjoys the outdoors, and gives back to his community. However, he doesn’t just give back to his community, he saves the world one frickin day at a time for all of us peons. You may see him walking down the street in what seems to be a leisurely stroll, little do you know he’s on the clock grabbing intel, always alert. A recon mission in the morning and beers on a patio in the afternoon. Rescuing civilians from rebels in Singapore one night, riding his cruiser around town the next. All in a day’s work. IBM is working constantly studying for the Military Covert Aquisitions & Tactical Strategies test (MCAT’s). You may see him one day and like the laserdisc will seemingly fall off the face of the Earth the next. So while you’re enjoying your lazy, pathetic existence be grateful that there are people like IBM Beigedown out there to keep you going for one more day.